peace at the beach...

I'm a mountain girl at heart - growing up in Colorado seems to make that a given. I love nothing more than hitting a trail at the break of dawn, with each step bringing me closer to discovering a hidden jewel of a place. There is something special about each of those places; it's as if I was the one to discover them for the very first time.

But my love of the mountains has always had some competition... the ocean. I love it; love the smell, the sounds, the power of the crashing waves, the soothing affect it has on me. When I imagine the perfect vacation I see myself at a bungalow by the ocean, with a huge deck that wraps around the house and allows me to sit outside and take in every site and sound around me.

I saw this video and immediately felt a connection - it captures how I feel about the ocean so much better than any words I could write. Which means no more writing for me, check out this awesome video. (which has also inspired me to add another item to my bucket list)

the circle...

Dad at the tulip festival in Washington state, one of many trips him and mom took.

It was four years ago that we lost my dad. A day doesn't go by that I don't think about him and his influence on not only myself, but so many others. He was just one of those guys that accepted you where you were at, and so many people were impacted by this amazing trait of his.

Dad doing one of his favorite things

Dad always worked with youth, many of them troubled. Here he was, this middle-aged, middle-class, white guy from Arkansas who was able to relate and connect to hard core gang members. He didn't know their culture, their language or their background, but that didn't seem to matter. What did matter was he looked at each of those kids and never saw the trouble they caused or their crazy past, he only saw the future and what they COULD be. And these kids knew that, knew how much he believed in them.

But what I most remember about dad was his quiet commitment to civil rights - this goes back to having grown up in Arkansas, a place that was segregated everywhere but the place he spent the most time: the local Boys Club. Dad grew up not knowing that he was supposed to believe that a different skin color made you less of a human being. I think this has a lot to do with his trait I mentioned above - he learned early on that you don't judge people by the way they look or what you may have heard about them.

Dad and mom on their wedding day

Dad went on to work in Boy's Clubs most of his adult life. I remember him telling me about his work at a Boy's Club in New Mexico in the 60's - he would travel for hours with the basketball team to make their evening games, then turn back around and drive those hours back home in the middle of the night... all because hotels would not allow blacks to stay there. Or the restaurants that would not serve the team because some of the players were black. He never let it stop him, but kept plowing through and doing the right thing.

I grew up as one of the only girls allowed in the "boy's only" club. (which I must admit, I loved. I was a tomboy and loved hanging with boys - dolls, and girls, were so boring). Dad's belief that everyone deserved a chance also went for his daughter. I was never told I couldn't do something cause "I was just a girl." If I wanted to try something, I could. It was a nice way to grow up.

There's been a big hole since dad died - life does go on, but there is always the thought "I wish he could be here." There were my adventure races that I wished he had been able to be at - he loved not only watching his kids compete, but he loved people. And by the time I would have ended the race, he would have met every single person involved in the race and know their "life story." (I get my love of stories from my dad).  I climbed my first 14'er the weekend before he died - I remember wishing he had been able to see my pictures, see that I had succeeded in my goal and wanting to hear the story behind each of the pics. I have to believe that he does know and is smiling at the way my life has turned out.

I have been thinking about dad more lately - some dear friends are having to deal with their father's diagnosis of terminal brain cancer and I spent the weekend with them as they process the news. This family is like my own, I love them and hate to see them suffer. They have hard decisions ahead of them and the grief that they will experience as they walk this road is never easy. I remember how hard it was to watch dad suffer, knowing that he hated being in the hospital all those months and not being able to do anything about it.

There is a helpless feeling when someone you know is dying - our natural response is to want to make everyone feel better, to help make their grief easier. I'm trying to figure out how I can be there for them, all the while knowing that this grief is what they have to experience - it's a part of life.

Watching them deal with their dad's illness has been hard, it's bringing back many feelings from dad's death 4 years ago. But I also know I have a perspective that other's may not have and I'm not going to let my feelings get in the way of my being there for them.

It's exactly what dad would have done, and I can't imagine a better example of how to do it right.

hmmm...

5 months.

It's been 5 months since I had surgery. 5 MONTHS!

And what have I been doing? working. a lot. a lot, a lot.

I've also been hiking, and traveling (California baby!), and kayaking, and, oh did I mention it, working?

It's been kind of hard trying to keep up with all my extra curricular activities due to that oh so annoying thing called a job.

Don't get me wrong, I still love my job, absolutely love it. But I'm beginning to realize how easy I had it before, when I had all this leisure time to train and play. It was such a luxury.

Sigh, I miss those days.

Now I'm trying to find some sort of balance, all while trying to figure out how I can go back to school for my masters, and train for racing season next year, and fit in my family and friends, and oh yeah, actually get some work done.

Did I forget to mention I love my new hip?  No pain, no problems: love it, love it, love it.

Does this seem like a rather abstract post?

Yeah, I thought so.

It's a perfect illustration of my brain right now - abstract and scattered.

I think it's time for me to get some sleep - it doesn't happen often, but I do sleep... sometimes.

i now get to set off the airport scanners...

It has been just about 2 weeks since I had surgery and I am now spending my time laying around and watching lots of tv, aka recovery. I've got to admit, I'm enjoying the whole 'being lazy' portion of this adventure; it has been quite wonderful and I'm getting a bit spoiled with being waiting on hand and foot. Unfortunately it won't last forever, I am already moving around pretty well and can't keep getting away with the "mom, will you get such and such for me?" She is only going to buy my helpless act for so long.

Overall, I'm pretty happy that I did this. Within a few days I could see a huge difference in the pain coming from my hip, as in there is none! The pain I'm feeling is from the muscles they had to cut to get to the hip, and that is already starting to be minimal.

And another plus? I CAN REACH MY TOES!!! I know this sounds silly, but you have no idea how hard it is to not be able to bend down to put on socks, or shoes, or nail polish. Putting on clothes was even difficult. I'm over the moon on how easy it all is now!

And now a little lesson on hips, or in particular my hip.


The illustration below shows what my hip looked like BEFORE the surgery. The hip joint was pretty much completely worn, the Dr. said the joint had worn down to the point that the bones were crushing each other. And yes, I think I felt all those lovely crushed bones in every step I took.

The image below is my new and improved hip, officially named Hippolyta ( I LOVE this name!) See how pretty it is?! It looks like one big metal implant, but in reality it is 4-parts pieced together like legos. Amazing what medicine can do, I look at that and think whoa, that's inside of me???!!!

I've got lots of recovery time before I can hit the trails again and I am on certain restrictions while the implant grafts to my bone. But I am looking forward to, once again, being able to come up here to blog about the latest mountain I climbed or the trail I rode or the race I ran! 

Oh yeah, I'm back.

moab, here I come...

How do I describe the past month?

Exhausting? Hellish? Overwhelming? Draining? Devastating?

I think all of the above pretty much fits.

The thing is, I've never had 'this' happen before. There are always those bad weeks where maybe work was tough, or relationship issues, personal issues, and so on. But usually they don't happen all at once... at the same time... and in an extremely intense manner.

That was my month; you could almost call it my 'bermuda triangle' of months.

And in the midst of all of this, in the midst of the craziness and heartache and exhaustion, something pretty exciting happened.

I found out I'm getting a new hip.

I started noticing pain in my hip during my trip to Alaska in the fall of 2009. I thought it was from a bike accident earlier that year, but low and behold it wasn't. I have osteoarthritis, a condition that runs in my family. My mom has it, my aunt, my grandmother, etc. I had kind of hoped I would be the one generation it would skip but I wasn't that lucky.

And so here I am, getting ready to embark on another adventure, (June 7th to be exact!) one that I didn't plan for or really want. It means I can't run again, which I admit is very disappointing. But I will be able to hike and bike and climb and do all sorts of stuff that I can't do right now. And, I'll be able to get back to running adventure races!




Which brings me to Moab - I WILL be running a 12 hour adventure race next March in Moab. That's my goal - I plan on hitting the ground 'running' after surgery and I'm not going to look back.


And all that other crap? Someday I'll forget all about it. Until then, I'll just concentrate on my new adventure and hope all the other stuff will fade away or at the very least, get better.

a list, a list, a lovely list

In honor of one of my favorite blogs, (and because I'm feeling too lazy to actually write a coherent post) I'm going to write a "what's been happening to me lately" list. Here it goes...

1.  Sweet, sweet relief: Gertrude (aka my right hip) is doing much better since I got a cortisone shot. The best part... NO PAIN AT NIGHT!! I'm sleeping again, which is making Pam a happy (and less grumpy) gal.

2. I've been at my new job for 2 months and still love it! It's a perfect fit for me, I love the people, and I've been challenged in every way possible. I'm feeling pretty grateful for the opportunity.

3. And because of the new job, I'm moving to Denver in 3 weeks! I found a wonderful place to live that is close to work and close to just about every bike trail/park/lake that Denver has to offer. And the mountains! I'm just minutes away from some great snowshoeing, can't wait!

4. The disadvantage to moving? Leaving my bestie friend and mom (and all my other friends as well). I have a feeling most of my weekends will be spent in Colorado Springs, just not willing to miss out on spending time with any of them!

5. I get the week off between Christmas and New Year! Just a perk of working in higher ed. I haven't had Christmas or New Years off in over 14 years - I can't tell you how excited I am!

6. And most importantly, I am grateful for my amazing friends and family - thanks to all of you for your support and love and friendship.

the perfect man...

I remember years ago watching some tv show (can't remember which one) where the main character was scheduled to have some sort of surgery. A week before the surgery, she goes shopping for lingerie... not for her husband, but to wear for her surgery. It seems that her surgeon was a gorgeous hunk of a man and she wanted to look her best while laying on the table. I remember being amused with the whole thing, but not fully understanding the whole hoopla....

Until today.

I understand now. I had an appointment with my orthopedic surgeon today - it was a follow-up on what to do about my hip (which was actually pretty encouraging - I'll save that for later). I've seen him once before and I remember thinking "he's pretty cute," but that's about it. Nothing spectacular.

But today? That all changed. Let's just say that he has gone from "that cute Dr." to "the man of my dreams." Here I was, sitting on the examination table, wearing the ugliest hospital gown ever, thinking about all I had to do for work that day; then 'he' walked in, smiling and shaking my hand in the most lovely way possible. Not only was I smitten, but I was horrified at how absolutely horrible I looked. Vanity, thy name is Pam.

My crush might be chalked up to how compassionate and kind he is. A Dr. who listens? There's nothing better. A Dr. that grasps my hands when talking to me? Sigh. A Dr. that draws diagrams with a crayon to explain the more complex aspects of how a hip works? Sigh... again.

I'm going to have fun with this little crush of mine - it's been a while since anyone has been able to render me speechless (which, you can imagine, has seldom happened). It's so much better than having a flesh and bones boyfriend - no worries about getting hurt or dumped.

Oh, and next week you can find me at Victoria Secret. I have a lot of shopping to do.

I almost forgot - the reason I went to see this lovely man? Gertrude, also known as my right hip, has been yelling out for more attention. It was decided to go with the cortisone shot, which he said should get me back to almost normal in no time at all. It's a good solution for now  - I'll be back out there before you know it. I'm already planning lots of snowshoeing weekends this winter, and I can't wait!

the hospital and me...

"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?"

I'm sure you are all wondering why I started with this quote, right? I really have no idea, it just caught my fancy... and made me laugh. And after the past few weeks, I need to laugh.

Well, maybe there is some correlation to the quote and my title above. It's a stretch but I'll try to explain (eventually).

It's been a few weeks since my stay in the hospital and that time has been spent, well, just trying to survive. While I'm eternally grateful to the hospital and dr's for saving my life (really, really, really grateful!) they beat me up pretty good. The trail of needle marks up and down my arms left bruises that make the strongest stomach squirm. And the drugs they prescribed me? They have wrecked havoc with my sleeping (insomnia anyone?), I've gained way too much weight in a way too short of time (steroids really suck), and my stomach has decided to reject most conventional food (it doesn't seem fair that I gain weight due to the drugs and not to the partaking of all sorts of delectable and delightful treats - it would be nice to blame it on enjoying all the amazing Italian food I want to eat and not those little pills I take each day, but alas my stomach will not allow any Italian at this point). All this to say that, while I am happy to be breathing and living with the rest of you, I'm also tired, beaten up and frustrated with how slow I'm healing. (patience and me? not the best of friends)

I just read that last paragraph and thought "damn girl, stop whining!"  I mean honestly, not too many people can say they have survived the rare and dreaded epiglottitis without having to be intubated or endure a medically induced coma - I'm pretty lucky! But I'll admit it here; I suck at being a sick person. Really suck. I hate it and it's not so fond of me either.And thus the whining. (all done in the most grateful way!)

And what does all this have to do with the quote I mentioned at the beginning of this post? Per the Princess Bride "Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up." (this is the night for random quotes, isn't it?)

That first night, as I lay in my hospital room, I remember looking around me and feeling completely at peace. It's strange to be saying that, considering I could barely breath and had been through a pretty traumatic experience. Yet there I was, looking out the window, watching the snow fall and feeling awed and grateful for my life. It's similar to the feeling I have when I'm hiking - knowing that the trail could take me to a place that will most likely surprise and challenge me. Whether it's the scenery or wildlife or the accomplishment, it's always a surprise and brings on a feeling of total peace and contentment. And that is exactly how I felt - I had survived all the ups and downs of this crazy 'hike' and was alive and on the way to the 'well' part. And as a result, I was looking out my hospital window in awe of, well, everything.

I wish I could say I have continued on with this peaceful way of being, but sadly no. Life has a way of creeping back in and I easily forget what's important. But I'm working on it.I actually think that should be my life mantra - "I'm working on it" - it's just all too true.

Wouldn't you say life would be pretty boring if we didn't have to "work on it" - being perfect is so overrated. Thank god I don't have to worry about that!

bike routes on google...

Two posts in one day - that doesn't happen often! But this was too cool not to post.

Google has finally added bike routes to it's maps. Can I just say it - yeah! I have always hated the whole "search for a path" that happens when I want to try a new route or trail. An awesome resource that I am definitely going to utilize.

There's a great article on this new addition at the outside blog - http://outside-blog.away.com/blog/2010/03/the-good-route-google-maps-adds-bike-routes.html

Commuters will dig this tool because it suggests routes around--rather than over--hills. But if you’re looking for more of a workout, you can drag and drop the route over steeper terrain. You can also suggest changes or corrections to the suggested routes—or, if you’re so inclined, send in your favorite secret stash of singletrack—by using the “report a problem” feature on Google Maps.

Now, if summer would finally get here and allow me more riding, I would be a very happy woman.

i swear, this is my last "aha moment" post

I know, I've said it before. But this is it, no more mention ever again. 

That being said, Tuesday night was the first night my commercial aired and despite the fact that I have seen it many times on the computer, it was a little weird watching myself on tv. And I admit, I got a little teary-eyed. There is still a part of me that doesn't comprehend that I have done this, it sometimes feels like I'm watching someone elses life, not my own.  Just a little surreal. I invited some friends over to watch it - it was nice being able to share it with them. Last August when I taped this I never imagined it would come this far - it's been a great experience!

I did get an updated schedule for the commercial, they had to change a few things - I've posted it below.

Tuesday, March 9 - Biggest Loser
Wednesday, March 17 - Old Christine
Tuesday, April 13 - Dancing with the Stars
Monday, May 3 – Dancing with the Stars
Sunday, May 9 - 60 Minutes
Wednesday, May 16 - Extreme Home Makeover
Friday, May 28 - Ghost Whisperer
Monday, June 7 - Castle
Wednesday, June 16 - Old Christine
Tuesday, June 18 - 20/20

Friday, July 16 - Ghost Whisperer

And if you didn't get to see it, here's a link to the commercial - http://www.ahamoment.com/pg/moments/view/6804

Ok, that's it - you won't hear anything else about "aha's" or "moments" from me :-) 

 

Life never fails to surprise me...

Just a quick update on life and what I've been doing. It's been busy, fun and challenging!

• My final week at work was last week. I have a total peace about where my life is at and where it could potentially be going, and what an amazing feeling it is. 

• I found out when my Aha Moment will be airing on national tv beginning in March! I was pretty excited to see what shows I will be airing during - there are some big ones in there! Here is the schedule, if you want to check it out yourself (I don't have specific times, just the tv show it is airing during)

Tuesday, March 9 - Biggest Loser
Wednesday, March 17 - Old Christine
Tuesday, April 13 - Dancing with the Stars
Monday, May 3 - Castle
Sunday, May 9 - 60 Minutes
Wednesday, May 12 - Extreme Home Makeover
Friday, May 28 - Ghost Whisperer
Monday, June 7 - Castle
Tuesday, June 15 - 20/20
Wednesday, June 16 - Old Christine
Friday, July 16 - Ghost Whisperer

• My tattoo turned out great (despite hurting like hell)! Here's a comparison of the pic and the actual tattoo:

The artist did an awesome job! Love it, so glad I got it.

Lots of other stuff happening, but I've got to run. I'll update you on my crazy training schedule next time.

some rocks and a tattoo...

I finally did it - I made an appointment to get a tattoo.

I've been thinking about doing this for a couple of years as a way to celebrate not only my weight lose but all the changes that have taken place since then. But finding that one image that would signify all those changes has been just about impossible. Come on, look at all that has happened! There was all my hiking; climbing 14er's; adventure race camp and my first race; the 5 races following that; my love of running; mountain biking; my new and amazing friends and so on. How in the world could I find one image that would show all that?

It finally came down to one image that is pretty common on the trail - a cairn. What's a cairn? Basically it's "a single stack of rocks intended to mark a path, a territory, or a specific site." 

I've seen them all over when I hike, particularly in Moab.  There have been many times on the trail that if I hadn't seen a cairn, I would have gotten hopelessly lost. They guided my steps and kept me safe.

More than that, they signify the changes that have taken place in my life. I've said many times that the people in my life have made all the difference in who I am today. Those who place cairnes are thinking of those who will come after and those who find and follow them are trusting travelers who went before. What better illustration of our relationships with each other.

All this put together made it pretty clear that this is what I wanted to mark my body permanently with. Next up to decide - who is going to do it?

I got lucky there - a friend suggested we check out West Side Tattoo in old Colorado City and spent Friday being completely impressed with the place. I picked the artist I wanted, made the appointment (this Friday), placed a down payment, and I was all set!

So, what is it going to look like? Look to the right - that's it. The artist is extremely talented and I'm excited to see what he will do with the final product! I will post pics right here as well when it's all done.

Another step, albeit small, in this journey. 

24 hours of erock...

It's official, I have a team for my first 24 hour mountain bike race! That's right, me... the person who usually whines about having to ride her bike in adventure races and is scared of just about all technical trails. Kind of funny, isn't it?

But I have a good team, a really good team: my brother Steve, who has recently been promoted to Cat 1 racer status and is now on a professional team. The amazing, beautiful, and kick ass Melissa who mostly does Adventure Races but wants to try something new (and is coming all the way from California). And me, the weak link (but I do have the advantage of knowing the trail very well - I ride it all the time). We want to find 1 more person to make it an even 4, so if anyone out there is interested, contact me!

As with everything else I have done the past few years, I have no idea what to expect and have wondered what I'm getting myself into. I emailed my friend and another kick ass woman athlete, Jari, for advice. Jari has been the solo women's champion of the 24 hours of Moab, one of the hardest 24 hour races in the country- one year she beat all the men except the winner! And she gave me a butt load of advice and encouragement to guide me through this new experience. Despite the promise of "pain and suffering" I'm excited and pumped for this.

Check out the race here - http://www.elephantrockride.com/24_info.html.

a few of my favorite things...

• late night bike rides
• ice cream runs
• early morning hikes
• camping in the sand dunes
• going barefoot in the sand dunes
• running in the sand dunes
• rolling down the sand dunes (so fun!)
• camping in Telluride
• sitting in the hot springs in Telluride
  
• camping in Kremmling
• racing in Kremmling
  
• racing in Breckenridge
  
• four-wheeling in the San Juans
• all day training sessions
• all day bike rides
• watching evening softball games
• late night talks in the park
• hiking among the wild flowers
• gazing at the stars
• afternoon thunderstorms
• spontaneous weekend trips
• homemade ice cream
• farmer's market

I miss summer.

a huge leap...

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” ~ Mark Twain

If you've been reading my blog the last couple of months, you have probably noticed me hinting at some possible changes in my life. At the time I couldn't say anything because honestly, I really didn't know what or how they would happen.

As of Tuesday, those changes are much more concrete. I officially resigned from my job. My secure, full-time, have insurance, get-a-pay-check-every-week job. But here's the real kicker... I don't have a job waiting for me.

Sound insane? I'm sure some of you are reading this thinking that very thing. And that thought has crossed my mind as well. "What the hell am I doing?" has been another persistent thought. Or "you'll end up in bankruptcy court!" I have a running dialogue in my brain that has sorted out the very worse possible scenarios.

Yes, I have fears and doubts. Who wouldn't? But above all of that is an unbelievable peace and calm that proceeds any of those fears. This is not something I did lightly. I have had some amazing opportunities at my job; I rediscovered my love of writing and editing and met some amazing people. But I have always felt there was something else I should be doing, something else that I was SUPPOSE to be doing. Now I get to find out what exactly that is.

I already have many possibilities, some that are extremely exciting and fit with my love of the outdoors. Some that are more sensible and offer stability. Some that are just downright crazy and make me smile at what they could mean. Above all these possibilities is a feeling of freedom; a freedom to go where I want and do what I want and be what I want. I've always yearned for that, but never attained it. Now is my chance.

I guess you could say this is my mid-life crisis. But I don't think that's it. I've wanted to do something like this for a long time, just never had enough guts to follow through. I've learned enough in the past few years that if you don't take risks, you won't get anywhere. And this is a HUGE risk. I may not know where I'm going, but I'm excited to find out!

I want to be this woman...

Just read this article about MTB Racer Doris Matyasovich. She has won one master's world championship, 13 national championships, 17 state championships. And get this... she started racing when she was 45. That was 22 years ago and she is still racing today.

Can I just say it - WOW! Check out the story, inspiring.

She gives me some motivation to get my ass in gear and start some serious training. I'm getting way too soft.

my christmas present....

Lately I've been thinking a lot about god. The thoughts are varied, from anger to confusion to amusement. If you read some of my recent posts you could see that I have been doing some soul searching and with that soul searching comes questions... lots of them.

I had a discussion with a friend a couple of weeks ago (well, an email discussion - a little different than in person but hey, he lives in Waco, it's kind of hard to meet face to face when he's 500 miles away. Although I wish he was closer, I miss him lots.) Sorry, got off on a tangent there but have to do a shout out to Kelly - thanks my friend.

What he said basically amounted to this: that there is a whole, big world out there beyond the usual confines of what evangelical Christianity offers, that god is bigger than any church or organization "and faith can be a new spiritual consciousness that can leave behind the tribal allegiances that less mature Christians cling to." Before this conversation, I was more inclined to say the opposite - that if there was a god he wasn't anyone I wanted to be a part of. Despite my many years of work in church and ministry, I have been increasingly disillusioned with what I saw as "god in a box" and never saw the results of what was suppose to be a life-transforming experience. It just never happened for me and for the most part, I never saw it happen in others either.

This persistent doubt has been nagging me for years, I just never said anything about it. Until now. The past few months I have finally "come out of the closet" to close friends. And my friend in Waco was one that I felt I could trust enough to say "I don't know about god anymore."

With this admittance has come a feeling of freedom. Despite what many believe, this isn't a spiritual crisis; it's a spiritual rebirth. I'm starting from scratch, rebuilding my past narrow view of what god is and how he relates to me. And with that, a freedom that I have never experienced before.

In some ways, this isn't easy to write, it's a huge thing to admit. But I decided that tonight, on Christmas Eve, I was going to give myself the best present in the world - peace. I'm tired of pretending; this has been a huge weight on my shoulders and I just can't carry it anymore. I hate hypocrites and I have honestly felt like one for many years.

Last week I had a moment a clarity. It was after a particularly intense prayer session; I was driving along when I looked up to see the mountains shrouded in clouds. At that moment my friends words popped into my head and I thought to myself "god made those mountains." And I believed it.

Even in the most unlikely and conservative of places, you can find sometimes this glimmering idea that God might be bigger than our limited religious doctrines have taught us. But doesn't that make sense? That the infinite would be, indeed... infinite? That even the most holy amongst us would only be able to see scattered pieces of the eternal picture at any given time? And that maybe if we could collect those pieces and compare them, a story about God would begin to emerge that resembles and includes everyone? And isn't our individual longing for transcendence all just part of this larger human search for divinity? Don't we each have the right to not stop seeking until we get as close to the source of wonder as possible? 

once a talker, always a talker...

I swear I was born talking. Really. Anyone who knows me knows this. I can keep a conversation going for hours just by my pure will and willingness to engage in all sorts of topics. I find absolute delight in engaging a 'non-talker' in conversation... and I succeed just about every time.

I've always loved this about myself. Well, for the most part. There were times when I had wished I was more like the quiet, calm girls in my class - they seemed to have an aura about them that I could never emulate. I was always loud or talked too much and whatever aura I had dissipated all too quickly when I opened my mouth.

There is a problem with us 'talkers' though - we aren't very good listeners. I fully recognize this about myself and have had to work hard to be someone who engages completely in a conversation. And after years of practice, I have succeeded fairly well.

Notice how I said "fairly well" and not "perfectly well?" Yeah, that's the rub of the true self, where there is a 'ying' there must be a 'yang.' And improving the yang in me is a constant struggle.

This morning I opened up one of my current reads ("Eat, Love, Pray") and saw this:

I'm never going to be a wallflower, but that doesn't mean I can't take a serious look at my talking habits and alter some aspects for the better - working within my personality. Yes, I like talking, but perhaps I don't have to curse so much, and perhaps I don't always have to go for the cheap laugh, and maybe I don't need to talk about myself so constantly. Or here's a radical concept - maybe I can stop interrupting others when they are speaking. Because no matter how creatively I try to look at my habit of interrupting, I can't find another way to see it than this: "I believe that what I am saying is more important then what you are saying." And I can't find another way to see that than "I believe that I am more important than you." And that must end.

If there was ever a better description of me, I can't think of it. I truly don't like this about myself and find it ironic that not minutes later I opened the second book I'm reading and saw this:

While engaged in conversation, instead of immediately responding when someone speaks, we pause for a moment, relax our body and mind and notice what we are experiencing... by pausing and paying attention, we become acutely aware of our patterns of reaction.

I do believe the universe is trying to tell me something. And I'm listening. I just pray I will actually hear what it's saying and take it to heart.

me...

change is a constant...

I haven't written much about my recent adventures lately. Mostly because there haven't been many, at least not in the typical way you might view an adventure. Lately my adventures have been more internal. I suppose that fits the season, the slowdown that comes with winter. Winter always has this affect on me - no more long bike rides or days hiking in the warm sun makes me a bit lethargic. But it's more than just the affect of winter.

My trip to California last month changed some things for me - amazing what the combination of lack of sleep and good conversation can do. I returned home with a challenge to change some things in my life, which is what I have spent the last month doing.

What have I done that is so life changing? Slowed down. That's it, nothing earth shattering, just slow down. This is not easy for me - I don't like to slow down. I like my 4:30 am workouts 6-7 days a week; my second job that keeps me working each night; my busy social life; my volunteer work; the hikes and bike rides and so on. They are fun and exciting and keep me very busy.

But now? My workouts are considerably less, maybe 2-3 times a week. My mornings are now spent reading and meditating, concentrating on the things inside me that need some work. And the evenings? Quietly spent on my computer (yes, I still spend way to much time on the thing) but also reading (that's two books at one time - a record!). I've concentrated on the outer me a long time, believing that the rest would follow. And that has happened to a certain extent. But what I was really doing was making my life so busy that I wouldn't have to deal with the parts of me I didn't like, the parts that only I saw. It was fun for a while, but not very healthy.

And here's the surprise - I like to slow down. I like to breathe deeply and search my heart and body daily for those things that, in the past, have created havoc in my life. It's the ultimate in my own personal 'radical acceptance' and I must admit, exhausting. But worth every minute.

There have been some amazing benefits from this slow down:

1. less stress - I just don't let things get to me. Part of being sick this year was due to stress; actually, most of it was. And the meds I was on did not help - they wrecked havoc with my body, causing weight gain and other fun issues. No more, I threw those puppies away and am managing it naturally and applying that to all areas of my life.

2. feel stronger physically - ironic, since my workouts have decreased. But I am more focused when I am working out and feel much more rested and relaxed.

3. better relationships - I always have to work on these, but I'm finding that my openness to share my struggles and challenges allows others to share theirs as well. Honestly, what would I do without people in my life who challenge and listen and love me no matter what? They make all the difference.

4. more rested - not just sleep wise, but mentally rested. My brain seems to function better and my concentration is much better. It's an overall feeling of peace and calm that has escaped me in the past.

This whole process hasn't been easy, at all. There are good days and bad days. But for now, this is my new adventure and it has been an even wilder ride than all the races or climbs or bike rides I've done the past 2 years.

I wouldn't have it any other way.