Life never fails to surprise me...

Just a quick update on life and what I've been doing. It's been busy, fun and challenging!

• My final week at work was last week. I have a total peace about where my life is at and where it could potentially be going, and what an amazing feeling it is. 

• I found out when my Aha Moment will be airing on national tv beginning in March! I was pretty excited to see what shows I will be airing during - there are some big ones in there! Here is the schedule, if you want to check it out yourself (I don't have specific times, just the tv show it is airing during)

Tuesday, March 9 - Biggest Loser
Wednesday, March 17 - Old Christine
Tuesday, April 13 - Dancing with the Stars
Monday, May 3 - Castle
Sunday, May 9 - 60 Minutes
Wednesday, May 12 - Extreme Home Makeover
Friday, May 28 - Ghost Whisperer
Monday, June 7 - Castle
Tuesday, June 15 - 20/20
Wednesday, June 16 - Old Christine
Friday, July 16 - Ghost Whisperer

• My tattoo turned out great (despite hurting like hell)! Here's a comparison of the pic and the actual tattoo:

The artist did an awesome job! Love it, so glad I got it.

Lots of other stuff happening, but I've got to run. I'll update you on my crazy training schedule next time.

some rocks and a tattoo...

I finally did it - I made an appointment to get a tattoo.

I've been thinking about doing this for a couple of years as a way to celebrate not only my weight lose but all the changes that have taken place since then. But finding that one image that would signify all those changes has been just about impossible. Come on, look at all that has happened! There was all my hiking; climbing 14er's; adventure race camp and my first race; the 5 races following that; my love of running; mountain biking; my new and amazing friends and so on. How in the world could I find one image that would show all that?

It finally came down to one image that is pretty common on the trail - a cairn. What's a cairn? Basically it's "a single stack of rocks intended to mark a path, a territory, or a specific site." 

I've seen them all over when I hike, particularly in Moab.  There have been many times on the trail that if I hadn't seen a cairn, I would have gotten hopelessly lost. They guided my steps and kept me safe.

More than that, they signify the changes that have taken place in my life. I've said many times that the people in my life have made all the difference in who I am today. Those who place cairnes are thinking of those who will come after and those who find and follow them are trusting travelers who went before. What better illustration of our relationships with each other.

All this put together made it pretty clear that this is what I wanted to mark my body permanently with. Next up to decide - who is going to do it?

I got lucky there - a friend suggested we check out West Side Tattoo in old Colorado City and spent Friday being completely impressed with the place. I picked the artist I wanted, made the appointment (this Friday), placed a down payment, and I was all set!

So, what is it going to look like? Look to the right - that's it. The artist is extremely talented and I'm excited to see what he will do with the final product! I will post pics right here as well when it's all done.

Another step, albeit small, in this journey. 

24 hours of erock...

It's official, I have a team for my first 24 hour mountain bike race! That's right, me... the person who usually whines about having to ride her bike in adventure races and is scared of just about all technical trails. Kind of funny, isn't it?

But I have a good team, a really good team: my brother Steve, who has recently been promoted to Cat 1 racer status and is now on a professional team. The amazing, beautiful, and kick ass Melissa who mostly does Adventure Races but wants to try something new (and is coming all the way from California). And me, the weak link (but I do have the advantage of knowing the trail very well - I ride it all the time). We want to find 1 more person to make it an even 4, so if anyone out there is interested, contact me!

As with everything else I have done the past few years, I have no idea what to expect and have wondered what I'm getting myself into. I emailed my friend and another kick ass woman athlete, Jari, for advice. Jari has been the solo women's champion of the 24 hours of Moab, one of the hardest 24 hour races in the country- one year she beat all the men except the winner! And she gave me a butt load of advice and encouragement to guide me through this new experience. Despite the promise of "pain and suffering" I'm excited and pumped for this.

Check out the race here - http://www.elephantrockride.com/24_info.html.

a few of my favorite things...

• late night bike rides
• ice cream runs
• early morning hikes
• camping in the sand dunes
• going barefoot in the sand dunes
• running in the sand dunes
• rolling down the sand dunes (so fun!)
• camping in Telluride
• sitting in the hot springs in Telluride
  
• camping in Kremmling
• racing in Kremmling
  
• racing in Breckenridge
  
• four-wheeling in the San Juans
• all day training sessions
• all day bike rides
• watching evening softball games
• late night talks in the park
• hiking among the wild flowers
• gazing at the stars
• afternoon thunderstorms
• spontaneous weekend trips
• homemade ice cream
• farmer's market

I miss summer.

a huge leap...

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” ~ Mark Twain

If you've been reading my blog the last couple of months, you have probably noticed me hinting at some possible changes in my life. At the time I couldn't say anything because honestly, I really didn't know what or how they would happen.

As of Tuesday, those changes are much more concrete. I officially resigned from my job. My secure, full-time, have insurance, get-a-pay-check-every-week job. But here's the real kicker... I don't have a job waiting for me.

Sound insane? I'm sure some of you are reading this thinking that very thing. And that thought has crossed my mind as well. "What the hell am I doing?" has been another persistent thought. Or "you'll end up in bankruptcy court!" I have a running dialogue in my brain that has sorted out the very worse possible scenarios.

Yes, I have fears and doubts. Who wouldn't? But above all of that is an unbelievable peace and calm that proceeds any of those fears. This is not something I did lightly. I have had some amazing opportunities at my job; I rediscovered my love of writing and editing and met some amazing people. But I have always felt there was something else I should be doing, something else that I was SUPPOSE to be doing. Now I get to find out what exactly that is.

I already have many possibilities, some that are extremely exciting and fit with my love of the outdoors. Some that are more sensible and offer stability. Some that are just downright crazy and make me smile at what they could mean. Above all these possibilities is a feeling of freedom; a freedom to go where I want and do what I want and be what I want. I've always yearned for that, but never attained it. Now is my chance.

I guess you could say this is my mid-life crisis. But I don't think that's it. I've wanted to do something like this for a long time, just never had enough guts to follow through. I've learned enough in the past few years that if you don't take risks, you won't get anywhere. And this is a HUGE risk. I may not know where I'm going, but I'm excited to find out!

I want to be this woman...

Just read this article about MTB Racer Doris Matyasovich. She has won one master's world championship, 13 national championships, 17 state championships. And get this... she started racing when she was 45. That was 22 years ago and she is still racing today.

Can I just say it - WOW! Check out the story, inspiring.

She gives me some motivation to get my ass in gear and start some serious training. I'm getting way too soft.

my christmas present....

Lately I've been thinking a lot about god. The thoughts are varied, from anger to confusion to amusement. If you read some of my recent posts you could see that I have been doing some soul searching and with that soul searching comes questions... lots of them.

I had a discussion with a friend a couple of weeks ago (well, an email discussion - a little different than in person but hey, he lives in Waco, it's kind of hard to meet face to face when he's 500 miles away. Although I wish he was closer, I miss him lots.) Sorry, got off on a tangent there but have to do a shout out to Kelly - thanks my friend.

What he said basically amounted to this: that there is a whole, big world out there beyond the usual confines of what evangelical Christianity offers, that god is bigger than any church or organization "and faith can be a new spiritual consciousness that can leave behind the tribal allegiances that less mature Christians cling to." Before this conversation, I was more inclined to say the opposite - that if there was a god he wasn't anyone I wanted to be a part of. Despite my many years of work in church and ministry, I have been increasingly disillusioned with what I saw as "god in a box" and never saw the results of what was suppose to be a life-transforming experience. It just never happened for me and for the most part, I never saw it happen in others either.

This persistent doubt has been nagging me for years, I just never said anything about it. Until now. The past few months I have finally "come out of the closet" to close friends. And my friend in Waco was one that I felt I could trust enough to say "I don't know about god anymore."

With this admittance has come a feeling of freedom. Despite what many believe, this isn't a spiritual crisis; it's a spiritual rebirth. I'm starting from scratch, rebuilding my past narrow view of what god is and how he relates to me. And with that, a freedom that I have never experienced before.

In some ways, this isn't easy to write, it's a huge thing to admit. But I decided that tonight, on Christmas Eve, I was going to give myself the best present in the world - peace. I'm tired of pretending; this has been a huge weight on my shoulders and I just can't carry it anymore. I hate hypocrites and I have honestly felt like one for many years.

Last week I had a moment a clarity. It was after a particularly intense prayer session; I was driving along when I looked up to see the mountains shrouded in clouds. At that moment my friends words popped into my head and I thought to myself "god made those mountains." And I believed it.

Even in the most unlikely and conservative of places, you can find sometimes this glimmering idea that God might be bigger than our limited religious doctrines have taught us. But doesn't that make sense? That the infinite would be, indeed... infinite? That even the most holy amongst us would only be able to see scattered pieces of the eternal picture at any given time? And that maybe if we could collect those pieces and compare them, a story about God would begin to emerge that resembles and includes everyone? And isn't our individual longing for transcendence all just part of this larger human search for divinity? Don't we each have the right to not stop seeking until we get as close to the source of wonder as possible? 

once a talker, always a talker...

I swear I was born talking. Really. Anyone who knows me knows this. I can keep a conversation going for hours just by my pure will and willingness to engage in all sorts of topics. I find absolute delight in engaging a 'non-talker' in conversation... and I succeed just about every time.

I've always loved this about myself. Well, for the most part. There were times when I had wished I was more like the quiet, calm girls in my class - they seemed to have an aura about them that I could never emulate. I was always loud or talked too much and whatever aura I had dissipated all too quickly when I opened my mouth.

There is a problem with us 'talkers' though - we aren't very good listeners. I fully recognize this about myself and have had to work hard to be someone who engages completely in a conversation. And after years of practice, I have succeeded fairly well.

Notice how I said "fairly well" and not "perfectly well?" Yeah, that's the rub of the true self, where there is a 'ying' there must be a 'yang.' And improving the yang in me is a constant struggle.

This morning I opened up one of my current reads ("Eat, Love, Pray") and saw this:

I'm never going to be a wallflower, but that doesn't mean I can't take a serious look at my talking habits and alter some aspects for the better - working within my personality. Yes, I like talking, but perhaps I don't have to curse so much, and perhaps I don't always have to go for the cheap laugh, and maybe I don't need to talk about myself so constantly. Or here's a radical concept - maybe I can stop interrupting others when they are speaking. Because no matter how creatively I try to look at my habit of interrupting, I can't find another way to see it than this: "I believe that what I am saying is more important then what you are saying." And I can't find another way to see that than "I believe that I am more important than you." And that must end.

If there was ever a better description of me, I can't think of it. I truly don't like this about myself and find it ironic that not minutes later I opened the second book I'm reading and saw this:

While engaged in conversation, instead of immediately responding when someone speaks, we pause for a moment, relax our body and mind and notice what we are experiencing... by pausing and paying attention, we become acutely aware of our patterns of reaction.

I do believe the universe is trying to tell me something. And I'm listening. I just pray I will actually hear what it's saying and take it to heart.

me...

change is a constant...

I haven't written much about my recent adventures lately. Mostly because there haven't been many, at least not in the typical way you might view an adventure. Lately my adventures have been more internal. I suppose that fits the season, the slowdown that comes with winter. Winter always has this affect on me - no more long bike rides or days hiking in the warm sun makes me a bit lethargic. But it's more than just the affect of winter.

My trip to California last month changed some things for me - amazing what the combination of lack of sleep and good conversation can do. I returned home with a challenge to change some things in my life, which is what I have spent the last month doing.

What have I done that is so life changing? Slowed down. That's it, nothing earth shattering, just slow down. This is not easy for me - I don't like to slow down. I like my 4:30 am workouts 6-7 days a week; my second job that keeps me working each night; my busy social life; my volunteer work; the hikes and bike rides and so on. They are fun and exciting and keep me very busy.

But now? My workouts are considerably less, maybe 2-3 times a week. My mornings are now spent reading and meditating, concentrating on the things inside me that need some work. And the evenings? Quietly spent on my computer (yes, I still spend way to much time on the thing) but also reading (that's two books at one time - a record!). I've concentrated on the outer me a long time, believing that the rest would follow. And that has happened to a certain extent. But what I was really doing was making my life so busy that I wouldn't have to deal with the parts of me I didn't like, the parts that only I saw. It was fun for a while, but not very healthy.

And here's the surprise - I like to slow down. I like to breathe deeply and search my heart and body daily for those things that, in the past, have created havoc in my life. It's the ultimate in my own personal 'radical acceptance' and I must admit, exhausting. But worth every minute.

There have been some amazing benefits from this slow down:

1. less stress - I just don't let things get to me. Part of being sick this year was due to stress; actually, most of it was. And the meds I was on did not help - they wrecked havoc with my body, causing weight gain and other fun issues. No more, I threw those puppies away and am managing it naturally and applying that to all areas of my life.

2. feel stronger physically - ironic, since my workouts have decreased. But I am more focused when I am working out and feel much more rested and relaxed.

3. better relationships - I always have to work on these, but I'm finding that my openness to share my struggles and challenges allows others to share theirs as well. Honestly, what would I do without people in my life who challenge and listen and love me no matter what? They make all the difference.

4. more rested - not just sleep wise, but mentally rested. My brain seems to function better and my concentration is much better. It's an overall feeling of peace and calm that has escaped me in the past.

This whole process hasn't been easy, at all. There are good days and bad days. But for now, this is my new adventure and it has been an even wilder ride than all the races or climbs or bike rides I've done the past 2 years.

I wouldn't have it any other way.