the hospital and me...

"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?"

I'm sure you are all wondering why I started with this quote, right? I really have no idea, it just caught my fancy... and made me laugh. And after the past few weeks, I need to laugh.

Well, maybe there is some correlation to the quote and my title above. It's a stretch but I'll try to explain (eventually).

It's been a few weeks since my stay in the hospital and that time has been spent, well, just trying to survive. While I'm eternally grateful to the hospital and dr's for saving my life (really, really, really grateful!) they beat me up pretty good. The trail of needle marks up and down my arms left bruises that make the strongest stomach squirm. And the drugs they prescribed me? They have wrecked havoc with my sleeping (insomnia anyone?), I've gained way too much weight in a way too short of time (steroids really suck), and my stomach has decided to reject most conventional food (it doesn't seem fair that I gain weight due to the drugs and not to the partaking of all sorts of delectable and delightful treats - it would be nice to blame it on enjoying all the amazing Italian food I want to eat and not those little pills I take each day, but alas my stomach will not allow any Italian at this point). All this to say that, while I am happy to be breathing and living with the rest of you, I'm also tired, beaten up and frustrated with how slow I'm healing. (patience and me? not the best of friends)

I just read that last paragraph and thought "damn girl, stop whining!"  I mean honestly, not too many people can say they have survived the rare and dreaded epiglottitis without having to be intubated or endure a medically induced coma - I'm pretty lucky! But I'll admit it here; I suck at being a sick person. Really suck. I hate it and it's not so fond of me either.And thus the whining. (all done in the most grateful way!)

And what does all this have to do with the quote I mentioned at the beginning of this post? Per the Princess Bride "Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up." (this is the night for random quotes, isn't it?)

That first night, as I lay in my hospital room, I remember looking around me and feeling completely at peace. It's strange to be saying that, considering I could barely breath and had been through a pretty traumatic experience. Yet there I was, looking out the window, watching the snow fall and feeling awed and grateful for my life. It's similar to the feeling I have when I'm hiking - knowing that the trail could take me to a place that will most likely surprise and challenge me. Whether it's the scenery or wildlife or the accomplishment, it's always a surprise and brings on a feeling of total peace and contentment. And that is exactly how I felt - I had survived all the ups and downs of this crazy 'hike' and was alive and on the way to the 'well' part. And as a result, I was looking out my hospital window in awe of, well, everything.

I wish I could say I have continued on with this peaceful way of being, but sadly no. Life has a way of creeping back in and I easily forget what's important. But I'm working on it.I actually think that should be my life mantra - "I'm working on it" - it's just all too true.

Wouldn't you say life would be pretty boring if we didn't have to "work on it" - being perfect is so overrated. Thank god I don't have to worry about that!

bike routes on google...

Two posts in one day - that doesn't happen often! But this was too cool not to post.

Google has finally added bike routes to it's maps. Can I just say it - yeah! I have always hated the whole "search for a path" that happens when I want to try a new route or trail. An awesome resource that I am definitely going to utilize.

There's a great article on this new addition at the outside blog - http://outside-blog.away.com/blog/2010/03/the-good-route-google-maps-adds-bike-routes.html

Commuters will dig this tool because it suggests routes around--rather than over--hills. But if you’re looking for more of a workout, you can drag and drop the route over steeper terrain. You can also suggest changes or corrections to the suggested routes—or, if you’re so inclined, send in your favorite secret stash of singletrack—by using the “report a problem” feature on Google Maps.

Now, if summer would finally get here and allow me more riding, I would be a very happy woman.

i swear, this is my last "aha moment" post

I know, I've said it before. But this is it, no more mention ever again. 

That being said, Tuesday night was the first night my commercial aired and despite the fact that I have seen it many times on the computer, it was a little weird watching myself on tv. And I admit, I got a little teary-eyed. There is still a part of me that doesn't comprehend that I have done this, it sometimes feels like I'm watching someone elses life, not my own.  Just a little surreal. I invited some friends over to watch it - it was nice being able to share it with them. Last August when I taped this I never imagined it would come this far - it's been a great experience!

I did get an updated schedule for the commercial, they had to change a few things - I've posted it below.

Tuesday, March 9 - Biggest Loser
Wednesday, March 17 - Old Christine
Tuesday, April 13 - Dancing with the Stars
Monday, May 3 – Dancing with the Stars
Sunday, May 9 - 60 Minutes
Wednesday, May 16 - Extreme Home Makeover
Friday, May 28 - Ghost Whisperer
Monday, June 7 - Castle
Wednesday, June 16 - Old Christine
Tuesday, June 18 - 20/20

Friday, July 16 - Ghost Whisperer

And if you didn't get to see it, here's a link to the commercial - http://www.ahamoment.com/pg/moments/view/6804

Ok, that's it - you won't hear anything else about "aha's" or "moments" from me :-) 

 

Life never fails to surprise me...

Just a quick update on life and what I've been doing. It's been busy, fun and challenging!

• My final week at work was last week. I have a total peace about where my life is at and where it could potentially be going, and what an amazing feeling it is. 

• I found out when my Aha Moment will be airing on national tv beginning in March! I was pretty excited to see what shows I will be airing during - there are some big ones in there! Here is the schedule, if you want to check it out yourself (I don't have specific times, just the tv show it is airing during)

Tuesday, March 9 - Biggest Loser
Wednesday, March 17 - Old Christine
Tuesday, April 13 - Dancing with the Stars
Monday, May 3 - Castle
Sunday, May 9 - 60 Minutes
Wednesday, May 12 - Extreme Home Makeover
Friday, May 28 - Ghost Whisperer
Monday, June 7 - Castle
Tuesday, June 15 - 20/20
Wednesday, June 16 - Old Christine
Friday, July 16 - Ghost Whisperer

• My tattoo turned out great (despite hurting like hell)! Here's a comparison of the pic and the actual tattoo:

The artist did an awesome job! Love it, so glad I got it.

Lots of other stuff happening, but I've got to run. I'll update you on my crazy training schedule next time.

some rocks and a tattoo...

I finally did it - I made an appointment to get a tattoo.

I've been thinking about doing this for a couple of years as a way to celebrate not only my weight lose but all the changes that have taken place since then. But finding that one image that would signify all those changes has been just about impossible. Come on, look at all that has happened! There was all my hiking; climbing 14er's; adventure race camp and my first race; the 5 races following that; my love of running; mountain biking; my new and amazing friends and so on. How in the world could I find one image that would show all that?

It finally came down to one image that is pretty common on the trail - a cairn. What's a cairn? Basically it's "a single stack of rocks intended to mark a path, a territory, or a specific site." 

I've seen them all over when I hike, particularly in Moab.  There have been many times on the trail that if I hadn't seen a cairn, I would have gotten hopelessly lost. They guided my steps and kept me safe.

More than that, they signify the changes that have taken place in my life. I've said many times that the people in my life have made all the difference in who I am today. Those who place cairnes are thinking of those who will come after and those who find and follow them are trusting travelers who went before. What better illustration of our relationships with each other.

All this put together made it pretty clear that this is what I wanted to mark my body permanently with. Next up to decide - who is going to do it?

I got lucky there - a friend suggested we check out West Side Tattoo in old Colorado City and spent Friday being completely impressed with the place. I picked the artist I wanted, made the appointment (this Friday), placed a down payment, and I was all set!

So, what is it going to look like? Look to the right - that's it. The artist is extremely talented and I'm excited to see what he will do with the final product! I will post pics right here as well when it's all done.

Another step, albeit small, in this journey. 

24 hours of erock...

It's official, I have a team for my first 24 hour mountain bike race! That's right, me... the person who usually whines about having to ride her bike in adventure races and is scared of just about all technical trails. Kind of funny, isn't it?

But I have a good team, a really good team: my brother Steve, who has recently been promoted to Cat 1 racer status and is now on a professional team. The amazing, beautiful, and kick ass Melissa who mostly does Adventure Races but wants to try something new (and is coming all the way from California). And me, the weak link (but I do have the advantage of knowing the trail very well - I ride it all the time). We want to find 1 more person to make it an even 4, so if anyone out there is interested, contact me!

As with everything else I have done the past few years, I have no idea what to expect and have wondered what I'm getting myself into. I emailed my friend and another kick ass woman athlete, Jari, for advice. Jari has been the solo women's champion of the 24 hours of Moab, one of the hardest 24 hour races in the country- one year she beat all the men except the winner! And she gave me a butt load of advice and encouragement to guide me through this new experience. Despite the promise of "pain and suffering" I'm excited and pumped for this.

Check out the race here - http://www.elephantrockride.com/24_info.html.

a few of my favorite things...

• late night bike rides
• ice cream runs
• early morning hikes
• camping in the sand dunes
• going barefoot in the sand dunes
• running in the sand dunes
• rolling down the sand dunes (so fun!)
• camping in Telluride
• sitting in the hot springs in Telluride
  
• camping in Kremmling
• racing in Kremmling
  
• racing in Breckenridge
  
• four-wheeling in the San Juans
• all day training sessions
• all day bike rides
• watching evening softball games
• late night talks in the park
• hiking among the wild flowers
• gazing at the stars
• afternoon thunderstorms
• spontaneous weekend trips
• homemade ice cream
• farmer's market

I miss summer.

a huge leap...

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” ~ Mark Twain

If you've been reading my blog the last couple of months, you have probably noticed me hinting at some possible changes in my life. At the time I couldn't say anything because honestly, I really didn't know what or how they would happen.

As of Tuesday, those changes are much more concrete. I officially resigned from my job. My secure, full-time, have insurance, get-a-pay-check-every-week job. But here's the real kicker... I don't have a job waiting for me.

Sound insane? I'm sure some of you are reading this thinking that very thing. And that thought has crossed my mind as well. "What the hell am I doing?" has been another persistent thought. Or "you'll end up in bankruptcy court!" I have a running dialogue in my brain that has sorted out the very worse possible scenarios.

Yes, I have fears and doubts. Who wouldn't? But above all of that is an unbelievable peace and calm that proceeds any of those fears. This is not something I did lightly. I have had some amazing opportunities at my job; I rediscovered my love of writing and editing and met some amazing people. But I have always felt there was something else I should be doing, something else that I was SUPPOSE to be doing. Now I get to find out what exactly that is.

I already have many possibilities, some that are extremely exciting and fit with my love of the outdoors. Some that are more sensible and offer stability. Some that are just downright crazy and make me smile at what they could mean. Above all these possibilities is a feeling of freedom; a freedom to go where I want and do what I want and be what I want. I've always yearned for that, but never attained it. Now is my chance.

I guess you could say this is my mid-life crisis. But I don't think that's it. I've wanted to do something like this for a long time, just never had enough guts to follow through. I've learned enough in the past few years that if you don't take risks, you won't get anywhere. And this is a HUGE risk. I may not know where I'm going, but I'm excited to find out!

I want to be this woman...

Just read this article about MTB Racer Doris Matyasovich. She has won one master's world championship, 13 national championships, 17 state championships. And get this... she started racing when she was 45. That was 22 years ago and she is still racing today.

Can I just say it - WOW! Check out the story, inspiring.

She gives me some motivation to get my ass in gear and start some serious training. I'm getting way too soft.

my christmas present....

Lately I've been thinking a lot about god. The thoughts are varied, from anger to confusion to amusement. If you read some of my recent posts you could see that I have been doing some soul searching and with that soul searching comes questions... lots of them.

I had a discussion with a friend a couple of weeks ago (well, an email discussion - a little different than in person but hey, he lives in Waco, it's kind of hard to meet face to face when he's 500 miles away. Although I wish he was closer, I miss him lots.) Sorry, got off on a tangent there but have to do a shout out to Kelly - thanks my friend.

What he said basically amounted to this: that there is a whole, big world out there beyond the usual confines of what evangelical Christianity offers, that god is bigger than any church or organization "and faith can be a new spiritual consciousness that can leave behind the tribal allegiances that less mature Christians cling to." Before this conversation, I was more inclined to say the opposite - that if there was a god he wasn't anyone I wanted to be a part of. Despite my many years of work in church and ministry, I have been increasingly disillusioned with what I saw as "god in a box" and never saw the results of what was suppose to be a life-transforming experience. It just never happened for me and for the most part, I never saw it happen in others either.

This persistent doubt has been nagging me for years, I just never said anything about it. Until now. The past few months I have finally "come out of the closet" to close friends. And my friend in Waco was one that I felt I could trust enough to say "I don't know about god anymore."

With this admittance has come a feeling of freedom. Despite what many believe, this isn't a spiritual crisis; it's a spiritual rebirth. I'm starting from scratch, rebuilding my past narrow view of what god is and how he relates to me. And with that, a freedom that I have never experienced before.

In some ways, this isn't easy to write, it's a huge thing to admit. But I decided that tonight, on Christmas Eve, I was going to give myself the best present in the world - peace. I'm tired of pretending; this has been a huge weight on my shoulders and I just can't carry it anymore. I hate hypocrites and I have honestly felt like one for many years.

Last week I had a moment a clarity. It was after a particularly intense prayer session; I was driving along when I looked up to see the mountains shrouded in clouds. At that moment my friends words popped into my head and I thought to myself "god made those mountains." And I believed it.

Even in the most unlikely and conservative of places, you can find sometimes this glimmering idea that God might be bigger than our limited religious doctrines have taught us. But doesn't that make sense? That the infinite would be, indeed... infinite? That even the most holy amongst us would only be able to see scattered pieces of the eternal picture at any given time? And that maybe if we could collect those pieces and compare them, a story about God would begin to emerge that resembles and includes everyone? And isn't our individual longing for transcendence all just part of this larger human search for divinity? Don't we each have the right to not stop seeking until we get as close to the source of wonder as possible?