once a talker, always a talker...

I swear I was born talking. Really. Anyone who knows me knows this. I can keep a conversation going for hours just by my pure will and willingness to engage in all sorts of topics. I find absolute delight in engaging a 'non-talker' in conversation... and I succeed just about every time.

I've always loved this about myself. Well, for the most part. There were times when I had wished I was more like the quiet, calm girls in my class - they seemed to have an aura about them that I could never emulate. I was always loud or talked too much and whatever aura I had dissipated all too quickly when I opened my mouth.

There is a problem with us 'talkers' though - we aren't very good listeners. I fully recognize this about myself and have had to work hard to be someone who engages completely in a conversation. And after years of practice, I have succeeded fairly well.

Notice how I said "fairly well" and not "perfectly well?" Yeah, that's the rub of the true self, where there is a 'ying' there must be a 'yang.' And improving the yang in me is a constant struggle.

This morning I opened up one of my current reads ("Eat, Love, Pray") and saw this:

I'm never going to be a wallflower, but that doesn't mean I can't take a serious look at my talking habits and alter some aspects for the better - working within my personality. Yes, I like talking, but perhaps I don't have to curse so much, and perhaps I don't always have to go for the cheap laugh, and maybe I don't need to talk about myself so constantly. Or here's a radical concept - maybe I can stop interrupting others when they are speaking. Because no matter how creatively I try to look at my habit of interrupting, I can't find another way to see it than this: "I believe that what I am saying is more important then what you are saying." And I can't find another way to see that than "I believe that I am more important than you." And that must end.

If there was ever a better description of me, I can't think of it. I truly don't like this about myself and find it ironic that not minutes later I opened the second book I'm reading and saw this:

While engaged in conversation, instead of immediately responding when someone speaks, we pause for a moment, relax our body and mind and notice what we are experiencing... by pausing and paying attention, we become acutely aware of our patterns of reaction.

I do believe the universe is trying to tell me something. And I'm listening. I just pray I will actually hear what it's saying and take it to heart.

me...

change is a constant...

I haven't written much about my recent adventures lately. Mostly because there haven't been many, at least not in the typical way you might view an adventure. Lately my adventures have been more internal. I suppose that fits the season, the slowdown that comes with winter. Winter always has this affect on me - no more long bike rides or days hiking in the warm sun makes me a bit lethargic. But it's more than just the affect of winter.

My trip to California last month changed some things for me - amazing what the combination of lack of sleep and good conversation can do. I returned home with a challenge to change some things in my life, which is what I have spent the last month doing.

What have I done that is so life changing? Slowed down. That's it, nothing earth shattering, just slow down. This is not easy for me - I don't like to slow down. I like my 4:30 am workouts 6-7 days a week; my second job that keeps me working each night; my busy social life; my volunteer work; the hikes and bike rides and so on. They are fun and exciting and keep me very busy.

But now? My workouts are considerably less, maybe 2-3 times a week. My mornings are now spent reading and meditating, concentrating on the things inside me that need some work. And the evenings? Quietly spent on my computer (yes, I still spend way to much time on the thing) but also reading (that's two books at one time - a record!). I've concentrated on the outer me a long time, believing that the rest would follow. And that has happened to a certain extent. But what I was really doing was making my life so busy that I wouldn't have to deal with the parts of me I didn't like, the parts that only I saw. It was fun for a while, but not very healthy.

And here's the surprise - I like to slow down. I like to breathe deeply and search my heart and body daily for those things that, in the past, have created havoc in my life. It's the ultimate in my own personal 'radical acceptance' and I must admit, exhausting. But worth every minute.

There have been some amazing benefits from this slow down:

1. less stress - I just don't let things get to me. Part of being sick this year was due to stress; actually, most of it was. And the meds I was on did not help - they wrecked havoc with my body, causing weight gain and other fun issues. No more, I threw those puppies away and am managing it naturally and applying that to all areas of my life.

2. feel stronger physically - ironic, since my workouts have decreased. But I am more focused when I am working out and feel much more rested and relaxed.

3. better relationships - I always have to work on these, but I'm finding that my openness to share my struggles and challenges allows others to share theirs as well. Honestly, what would I do without people in my life who challenge and listen and love me no matter what? They make all the difference.

4. more rested - not just sleep wise, but mentally rested. My brain seems to function better and my concentration is much better. It's an overall feeling of peace and calm that has escaped me in the past.

This whole process hasn't been easy, at all. There are good days and bad days. But for now, this is my new adventure and it has been an even wilder ride than all the races or climbs or bike rides I've done the past 2 years.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

the fat cyclist... my hero

A few months ago I came across a blog called "The Fat Cyclist." Little did I know what I was getting into when I first delved into his archives of past posts. Not only is he one of the funniest guys I have ever read, he is also a huge supporter of the LiveStrong Foundation and has raised thousands of dollars to find a cure for cancer. There is a personal reason for his passion; his own wife suffered from breast cancer and just recently lost her life in the battle.

I've never met or talked to Fatty (as he likes to call himself) but I can tell you from reading his blog that he is someone I admire and respect. He is pretty honest on that blog of his; there were times when I was dissolved in tears, especially when I read his blog about her death:

Susan died tonight (August 5) at 7:25pm. It was a hard, long day, and Susan fought right to the end, for much longer than anyone would have thought she could...

I’ll have more to say soon, but consider this. Susan inspired me to expand the focus of my blog from nothing but bike-related jokes to a serious and pitched fight against cancer...

Susan’s part in the battle is over, but she didn’t lose. She led the charge. She showed the rest of us how to fight: with determination, focus, creativity, and outrageous endurance. Entire post

His blog has made me consider my own contribution to the fight for cancer. I haven't had anyone close to me die from the disease so it was never much of a pressing thought. Not anymore. His story has inspired me to get involved. I don't know how, but I want to put myself out there and do more. A good goal to have.

Oh, and he is funny, oh so funny. Make sure and read his Top Posts section, especially his open letters (the one to Lance Armstrong is my fav). Seriously, you won't regret it.

The Fat Cyclist Blog

epic...

9 climbers, 1 base camp cook, 3000 pounds of gear, 80 days, an ascent of Mt. Huntington in Alaska ... this is a fascinating trip report from way back in 1980. Absolutely stunning photos that gives you an idea of the beauty of Alaska (give them some time to download, but oh so worth it!) And the last pic of the cabin in Talkeetna? I was there just a couple of months ago - looks exactly the same.

http://www.supertopo.com/tr/West-Fork-Ruth-Glacier-Mt-Huntington-East-Ridge/t10480n.html


I really have no desire to do a huge mountaineering trip like this. But that doesn't mean I don't appreciate these types of reports. Actually, it's more than appreciate, it's a jaw dropping awe of their accomplishments. I may never go to the extreme that they did, but I do know what it's like to work your way through the snow and feel completely overwhelmed by the immenseness and raw beauty of the world around me. And doing that at night, during a full moon, is the most amazing experience I've ever had. It's a different and magical land at night.

Enjoy.

a moment of clarity...

It's cold and snowy outside, the perfect day for quiet reflection. I decided to venture out with a book and my laptop in hand and spend time in my fav coffee shop. I got my requisite cup of hot chocolate, sat down at a nice cozy table with a window view, and set about to read my book in peace and quiet. However, things never seem to work out the way we plan, do they?

Two young women we're sitting at the table next to me, talking about relationships. It's the usual angst of 20 year old's, the whole "why doesn't he like me?", "We're so perfect for each other, why doesn't he see it?" etc, etc. I was smiling to myself, thinking about the many conversations I have had about that very topic when one of the young women said "My big fear is that no one will ever love me, that I'm too broken and undeserving to ever truly be loved for me." It took me by surprise - not only did I understand what she was saying, I've said the very same thing. To see this young woman echo my own fears and insecurities was startling - I had seen her at the counter getting a cup of coffee and my first thought had been how beautiful and charming she was, she must have a perfect life. I thought I knew what was in her heart by just looking at her - how wrong I was.

It makes me wonder how I'm viewed by others - do they think I have no insecurities or problems? I've been told many times that I am lovely and intelligent and engaging, but do I really believe it? At times. The truth be told most of the time I have a running dialog in my mind that says the exact opposite - you will never be good enough or pretty enough or smart enough. It's easier to believe the negative.

I have been struggling with this inner voice and it's affect on me. A very wise person once told me that if I wanted to deal with my past, I would have to learn how to sit in the pain of that past, not ignore it. I've reaped the benefits of that philosophy before and plan to, once again, use pain as a way to learn and grow. I'm not looking forward to it, but I know I will be better in the long run.

You just never know what can happen at a coffee shop, do you?

sleep is for wimps...

I'm back from California. Well, at least partially. I think I left some of my brain cells back there and have felt in a fog since returning. Part of it is due to lack of sleep - I slept about 6 hours during the 4 day race. And while I loved every minute of the race, I am finding it hard to recoup quickly from the sleep deprivation. I have fallen asleep in our staff meeting, at my desk, while on the phone, and at a restaurant. I'm not the best of company, to say the least. You would think I was the one who ran the race, not support crew.


I may be a bit sleep deprived, but in some ways that has been a good thing. My brain is clearer and life seems much simpler. With this clarity has been a bit of a revelation. Am I ready to say what that is right now? No, not really. I need more time to think through it. I'm nervous and excited at the possibilities and hopeful for the first time in a long time.

And the race? Such a great experience! The team went from 4 to 2 racers when Wendy and Melissa dropped due to illness. So it was Kent and Tim as a team and me as support. This race was much more challenging for me than the last race in Moab - there was much more driving and driving on roads that were not made for a truck and trailer. We figured I drove over 500 miles during the 4 days of the race and I felt every little mile.

Tim and Kent had to race unranked since it was just the two of them. Despite that, they did a phenomenal job! They cleared 37 of the 40 checkpoints, which would have put them in 2nd place. I admit, I loved working with them. I've seen other teams crash under the pressure of no sleep and extreme physical exertion and treat their crew poorly, but these two were always kind and gracious, if not a little out of it at times :-) We all had those moments where the brain just wouldn't function the way we wanted.

The week ended with a quick jaunt into San Francisco and then it was back to Denver. I have a feeling it's going to take me a while to get back to normal. Despite that, I would do it again in a heart beat!

The final word on aha moment...

I found out last week I was not one of the top 10 for the Mutual of Omaha Aha Moment. I was a little disappointed but have to admit I was more thrilled that I won the Flip Video Camera for being in the top 25.

Fast forward to yesterday, when I got a phone call from the marketing agency that is working with Mutual of Omaha. I was quite surprised to find out that they still wanted to use my moment! I then got a confirmation email from them:

Per our conversation this afternoon, while your aha moment wasn’t among the top vote-getters in last month’s online survey, Mutual of Omaha thinks your story is so incredible that they would love to feature it in their 2010 nationwide TV ad campaign!

We’ll be in touch with additional details shortly, but in the meantime, thank you again for sharing your moment with us! The launch of the aha moment campaign in 2009 truly has been an amazing experience and it’s because of people like you.

So, you will now be able to see yours truly on television beginning in January. I should know the schedule soon and will post it as soon as I get it.

too much stuff...

I've spent the past 4 hours trying to stuff all my belongings into a gym bag and backpack. It was at the end of those 4 hours that I realized I hadn't packed any shoes. Does this give you any idea of how scatter brained I am right now? Too much to do, so little time.

If you didn't read my last post, I'll update you on why I'm packing. I am heading to California to provide support for a team in the 4 day Gold Rush Adventure Race. The race starts Thursday morning near Yosemite and ends Sunday afternoon. If you would like to track how my team is doing (their name is Almost Semi Pro), go to http://www.trackme360.com/goldrush/ beginning Thursday and you'll see each teams progress live. It should be a great week!

See you all next week!

sensoring myself...

I wrote a blog post last night (which would of been October 31). As you might have noticed, I don't have a post from October 31. Why? I deleted it. It was a good post... no, a great post. But this morning I reread it and realized that it was sharing more of my thoughts and insecurities than I was willing to reveal, at least at this time.

I've been in a reflective mood for a few weeks now and last night was a night that had me on reflection overload. I get like that at times; my mind works so fast that I can't keep up with it. And lately there has been a lot to keep my mind occupied. At some point I will most likely say more, but I'm just not ready at this time. That's for another day.

In other news... I'm heading out to California on Tuesday for the Gold Rush Adventure Race. I'll be providing support for the same team I provided support in Moab last year. I'm not sure why I'm excited about spending 4 days driving around the wilderness with little to no sleep, cold temps, rain and possibly snow, but I am! I get to share it with wonderful friends and when that happens, it can be nothing but good. I'm sure I'll have a post or two, plus lots of pictures, to share.